Necrophilia
by MelancholyMadness
Summary: The sexual attraction to dead people. Having their sensei's there would have only made Shikamaru's situation worse. Why was life so troublesome?


This was written for a prompt. It was:

Shikmaru

Humor/Parody

The word 'Necrophilia'

Somebody running around naked streaking and somebody saying are we at the point in our relationship that we can fart in front of each other.

This isn't my usual genre, but I tried.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

**Necrophilia**

The sexual attraction to dead people. Why was life so troublesome?

No matter how Shikamaru analyzed it, and he had analyzed it many ways, he couldn't understand how things had gone so wrong so fast.

For the first time since Suna invaded, everything had settled down and the Rookie Nine as well as team Gai had decided to relish in it (even Sasuke seemed in a good mood). Not only had all of their Sensei's been sent on missions, but the Sand Siblings had come down to help out at the school again, and teaching was never to challenging.

That was when Kiba had come up with the ultimate plan: they would play truth or dare. Why truth or dare you may ask? Simply because Kiba was a hormone crazed boy who wanted nothing more than to be dared to kiss someone, which of course no one did.

After Ino and Sakura had caught wind of this game, they were all for it as well. This was due to the fact that their precious 'Sasuke-kun' would be there. Sasuke would be there because Naruto would make him and Naruto was gung-ho for everything, which was of course Lee's reason as well. Neji had to go because his 'eternal rival' wouldn't shut up about it, and made Tenten come to balance out the sanity. Hinata was forced to come by Tenten because she didn't want to be the only girl not obsessing over 'Sasuke kun'. Shino came to feel included because everyone forgot about him. Choji came because Kiba promised free food, so Shikamaru had no choice but to go with his friend, no matter how much of a drag it would be. When the Sand Siblings made their presence known in the village, Naruto was quick to invite a fellow jinchuuriki, dragging Gaara along. Temari pronounced herself invited (which Kiba was quite fine with due to her large breast size). Kankuro being the only not invited tagged along anyway.

Having his sensei in town to witness the night's followings would have only made Shikamaru's situation worse.

"I don't care what you say, someone's gonna kiss and that someone is…" Kiba's eyes skimmed over the circle of shinobi, all of whom were hoping upon all hopes that it wasn't them. "Shikamaru!"

Shikamaru's semi-closed eyes went suddenly wide. He knew this game would be troublesome. He lazily turned his head to face Kiba, regaining his composure as his eyes once again drooped and he uttered a single word, sounding bored out of his mind. "Who?"

Kiba thought for a second before his mouth formed into a wide smirk, much to the girls (and the guys) displeasure, knowing that it might be them who was also being forced to kiss. "I dare you to make out with a corpse."

The people in the room all noticeably relaxed, apart from Shikamaru.

Inside Shikamaru's mind he thought of many ways to escape this fate; kissing a picture of a dead person; kissing a dead bug (a fly perhaps); paying the punishment for not doing the dare (letting Lee style his hair); claiming it was too troublesome; running away to become a rogue ninja. They were all much more appealing than going corpse kissing, but each time he thought of bailing, Temari's face appeared in his mind chanting, "Crybaby, chicken, Mama's boy" and many other endearing terms. He couldn't let that happen. He'd do it for his manly pride.

Shikamaru sighed and stood up. "Where are we getting a dead person?"

They all looked at each other, all bearing faces of confusion until Sakura finally jumped in. "Our neighbour's daughter had a heart attack yesterday and she's being viewed in the funeral home at ten o'clock tonight. We can probably still catch it."

Everyone stood up, except Choji who mumbled into his chip bag, "We aren't allowed food around the dead people."

For a moment, the other shinobi paused, wondering how he knew that. Ino looked especially disturbed, having been on the big boned boy's team for a long time and had always thought he was quite normal in comparison to the rest of them, apart from his eating habits and reactions talking about his weight. To learn that it was all a façade…

"What?" Choji said with his mouth full. "At Hokage-sama's funeral I wasn't allowed to eat."

A chorus of, "_Oooh!" _filled the room as they filed out.

When they arrived at the funeral home, they paused at the door, knowticing a sign. It appeared that you needed an invitation or special permission. At this they frowned (except Shikamaru who smirked). Sakura hadn't been invited and no one else knew the dead girl

During mid-turn around, Gaara spoke up monotonously, stopping them all in their tracks.

"I have a plan." And with those words, he knocked Kankuro upside the head, the cat hooded teen crumpling into a pile of unconsciousness.

"That's your plan: Knocking your brother unconscious!" Tenten exclaimed. "I let Lee hangout with you and you were still homicidal all this time!"

Gaara didn't say anything. He simply threw Kankuro over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes (surprising everyone at his strength) and walked up to the man at the door."Hokage-sama said that if my will power slipped I needed to clean up my own mess. I'm here to drop off a body. These people are here to mourn." He said emotionlessly, keeping a poker face that would have put Shino to shame.

The man jumped away from the door, remembering Gaara's performance at the chunin exams, and let him pass, followed by the others.

Tenten walked over to Gaara and put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry for doubting you."

Gaara's mouth pulled into a sadistic grin. "No need to apologize. He's been annoying me all trip."

Temari's eyes widened and she stepped into steer he youngest brother (and indirectly, her other brother) away from the group. Gaara was still working on his self-control a bit.

As Shikamaru made his way to the open casket, Neji crossed his arms. "This is disrespectful to the soul of this girl. The Hyuga elders would be ashamed; although, if it is fate then nothing can change this from happening."

Lee, of course, reacted to this. "Neji, my most youthful rival, that was most _un_youthful of you! You can change your destiny though TRAINING and EFFORT!"

"Yeah, Neji." Naruto piped in. "The caged bird can break free because you can choose your own destiny. When I was growing up-"

"I have been told that you already went through with this, dobe." Sasuke said.

"Teme! How could you know! You were unconscious!" Naruto yelled in return.

"That wasn't my fault, dobe."

"Teme!"

"Dobe."

"Teme!"

"Dobe."

"Teme!"

"Lee. Gai-Sensei." Tenten muttered under her breath.

"Just get with the kissing!" Kiba exclaimed, breaking the trend.

"K-Kiba-Kun?"

"Yes Hinata-san?" Kiba replied.

"W-Well, i-it's just th-that… well…" Hinata began twiddling her fingers nervously.

"Well what?" Kiba said, cutting her off just as she was about to continue."

"I-It's just that… w-we left Shino-kun outside." She mumbled, gesturing outside to where Shino apparently was.

The group simultaneously sweat dropped as Kiba made his way cautiously ouside. He came back with a very gloomy Shino in tow.

"Everyone forgets me." He mumbled as he went off to the far corner of the room, which suddenly became a giant shadow that enveloped him.

"This is so troublesome." Shikamaru muttered from beside the casket. The faster he got this done, the faster he could leave this place and go to bed.

With the attention of the room once again regained, he took a deep breath (reminding himself that if he didn't do this Temari would never let him live it down), leaned in and quickly pressed his lips to the dead girls cold lips and pulled away as fast as his lazy attitude would allow him, which wasn't very fast at all. "Are we done here?" He asked, wiping his lips with the back of his hand.

Kiba crossed his arms and smirked, a glint in his eyes. "I said 'make-out' not 'kiss'."

Shikamaru's eyes widened. He thought that no one else would catch on to that. Temari wolf whistled, causing him to blush and look away. It was during his turning around that he noticed a picture frame beside the grave. He smirked.

He leaned in, but just as he was about to make contact once again, dreading the final centimetres, a shrill scream pierced the air and he quickly drew back.

Standing in the doorway was a slightly obese middle aged woman with curly brown hair, dressed entirely in black. Mourning clothes.

Sakura laughed awkwardly, in a way that was clearly fake. "Guys, meet Mrs. Shinatsu, Anirui-san's mother." She coughed. "The dead girl's mother."

Mrs. Shinatsu made her way toward Shikamaru, a fire in her eyes that could only be produced by a very overprotective mother. Shikamaru backed up, but was saved by a swoop of sand that came under his feet and carried him to safety. The whole group turned and booked it, but came face to face with the man outside the door.

* * *

><p>"How could you disgrace our village like that!" Tsunade bellowed at the genin and single chunin.<p>

"Well." Kiba drawled. "We were playing Truth or Dare, but then I dared Shikamaru to make out with a corpes and Gaara knocked out Kankuro to gain admission, but me forgot Shino outside whil Sasuke and Naruto argued about whether or not it was worth giving Neji more therapy, but then that lady ran in when Shikamaru tried to kiss the dead girl (was it Anrui?) and Gaara saved him and we ran into that doorman and then-"

Tsunade gave him a look before turning to Shizune. "Lock 'em up. I need them all for missions tomorrow, but they're spending the night in a cell."

Shizune nodded. "Yes Tsunade-sama."

* * *

><p>"This is entire thing is your fault!" Ino screeched, grabbing Kiba by the collar.<p>

"Ino, put him down. He's just an idiot." Sakura consoled.

"She's right, I-Ino-chan." Hinata added. "He's just an idiot."

Ino dropped Kiba, who turned to face Hinata. "You're supposed to be my friend! My Teammate! You're supposed to be on my side. Shino, help me out here!"

Shino turned to face Kiba and his glasses flashed. "You forgot me outside." And with that he turned to his new friend 'Belly Shirt' who seemed to be even more socially awkward, if not five times more so, than he was. They had found Belly Shirt already in the cell.

Kiba sniffled. "Finding new friends now?"

Shikamaru yawned, having been woken up by Kiba's antics, and silenced Kiba with a look. "It is entirely your fault. I have looked over every possible situation to this argument, and you always lose."

"Because it is fated." Neji added from the corner.

Shikamaru looked over at Neji's crumpled form. He had been curled up in a ball since they arrived in the cell and had been muttering things about 'Hyuga Elders' and 'Caged Birds' and 'Disgrace' and 'Killing Kiba'. He decided to give the Hyuga a break.

"Yes, because it is fated to be destined that you will lose because you are destined to be a loser because it is fate."

It was at this moment that Kankuro regained consciousness. "Damn." He groaned. "Why do I always wake up behind bars?"

"Because you wear a cat suit?" Naruto offered.

"Because you play with dolls?" Gaara said.

"Because you wear make-up?" Temari added.

"Because your balls are larger than the blond boys?" Belly Shirt declared, leaving the cell in momentary silence as they stared at him strangely.

"My balls are perfectly normal sized!" Naruto exclaimed in synchronization to Kankuro yelling, "They're puppets!"

The clanging of keys passed what would have been a very predictable argument. The person with the keys turned out to be Choji.

"I've brought bail money." He said, his face covered in chip crumbs.

"Have I ever told you that I love you Choji?" Ino declared.

Choji blushed.

"You're the best friend ever!"

His face fell and Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

* * *

><p>"Are we at the point in our relationship that we can fart in front of each other?" Kiba asked stupidly.<p>

Ino frowned and Choji raised an eyebrow. Shikamaru made no reaction and continued to chug his beer.

Ino stood up. "No." And with that she left.

Kiba ran out not much later after yelling, "Whoever smelt it dealt it!"

After everyone else had finally cleared away and all that remained were the ale members the second generations of Ino-Shika-Cho, Shikamaru finally put his beer down. "D'you want to know what I _love _ about being a ninja?" He asked.

Choji humoured him. "What?"

"That I'm only _twelve _and I'm a legal adult, meaning that I'm above the legal drinking age." He finally dropped his clone jutsu and a Mrs. Shinatsu disappeared from the place 'she' had ben mourning the loss of 'her' daughter. Shikamaru smirked. "I also love being able to do Clone justu and Transformation justu." Shikamaru sighed contently, feeling quite pleased with himself and turned to look out the window, only to see a stark naked Neji running down the street yelling "Tenten! Give me back my clothes!"

Yes, Shikamaru was glad that their sensei's weren't there that night, but not as much as Neji.

**Okay, so how was it? It's sort of crack, but… oh well! Check out my other stuff! And review! If you want me hurry up and keep writing Escaping Confinement, review that too. **


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